Insomnia

Well as if my life isn't full of up and downs as it is...I really could do without praying for sleep every night!

There really is not much worse than lying in bed night after night waiting for sleep to overcome you whilst knowing there is only a few precious hours til the morning alarm sounds. Then after dragging your ass out of bed, having to face a day of work whilst fighting the urge to close your eyes for just a moment or two.

Yesterday morning I had had enough, I couldn't face the day...so something had to be done! That led me straight to the doctor's surgery. Now this isn't the first visit in which the subject of my lack of sleep has arose...but having been sent away with other suggestions, none of which had much affect, I was now desperate for some help. I came away with a presciption for a little box of pills, but the jury is still out. Last night was not a resounding success but did however result in a few hours at least, which I suppose is at least better than nothing.

So onwards i'll sleepily plod til the next hurdle appears on the horizon.

Jen x

Letting go?

Well here I am again after falling off the radar for a little while. I'd like to say that the festive period brought everything that I wished for...but unfortunately it did not! It's funny how you can be surrounded by people but still feel so lonely because the one person you long for is missing. But I can't dwell on that any longer, sometimes you need to decide that the time is right to let go however hard that may be.

So maybe another fresh start is needed, maybe no more looking back on what could've been but looking now to what could be. These feelings inside are draining the life out of me but I want to live, I need to live...I want to rediscover my happy place, I want to shine once more.

So dig deep I will and find that inner strength that I know is lurking in the shadows of my mind, maybe then I can take those small tentative steps towards enjoying life once more.

Jen x

Safe?

Following my somewhat turbulant childhood, I've spent most of my adult life playing it safe by creating a bubble around myself. My life was mapped out...I wouldn't get hurt!

But it was all just an illusion, my seemingly normal 'happy' life was creating a darkness around me, a thick fog that threatened to choke me...I was slowly suffocating! The world hung heavy on my shoulders making me so weary that all I wanted at times was to curl up and let the fog engulf me.

It is a slow painful journey towards beating the fog of depression, and it's all too easy to drag those who love you down with you but I came to realise that my safe bubble was nearly my downfall. Now some might rightly call me selfish, and believe me the guilt of making such a tough choice still hangs in the air, but I still hold true to my decision being the right one and not just for me. The day I ended my marriage was near unbearable knowing I was breaking someone's heart.

I did grow stronger, indepenence forced me to face life head on...I was getting better!
The trouble is I ended up crashing into a head on collision which shattered me. Some say be careful what you wish for...well I wished for a friend, a lover, a soul mate, someone for whom the flames would never stop burning, something lifelong.

When it came along it hit me like a ton of bricks and boy was it bloody scary to feel something so intense, to ache for someone, to feel that someone is part of you. These feelings stripped me bare and now I am left shivering in the cold. I've learnt a lot about emotional pain and endurance, and how much the human soul can take...how much I can take...I've never known such pain!

And now I'm left with a choice...do I face life head on, taking chances that could quite possibly lead to more pain, and not just for myself, or do I create another safe bubble???

Who am I?

I've spent the past few days mulling over what to write in these pages...so anyway how about I just attempt to write about how it has been through the darker side of my life and how I got to where I am now.

I've got to my early forties and my life seems a hazy blur, some of which I've tried unsuccessfully to blot out. For the most part I've muddled through eeking out a rather ordinary existence. Maybe that is what I felt I needed - normality (whatever that is!) - to shroud the less than ordinary start in life. To the outsider, to even my own family, it was indeed an ordinary life...after all how could they know...and they did not, not until the crack's began to appear.

It has taken me a long time, most of my life even, to accept who I am. I wouldn't wish the events of my early life on anyone but I've come to realise and accept that they have defined and shaped who I am today. I could so easily have fallen into an abyss of pain, and my life could easily have become so different than the one I have today, and not necessarily for the better. But here I am standing strong...well mostly...and now attempting to sift through nigh on forty years of mixed up feelings.

For many years people did not want to think about it or talk about it but it has been there all around us lurking in the shadows...it happens folks, we all know that...so I will say it - there are children who are abused, violated and it happened to me.

So in theses pages maybe I can attempt to pour out those pent-up thoughts and feelings that for so long I have kept hidden inside...well, I can but try!

A step backwards...

Feeling very low today, sometimes everything just crumbles and you just want to curl up and block everything out...but between the sobs and despair a small person arrives with a tissue and a hug, then another arrives with a cup of tea and a bigger hug, then you remember what really matters to you, you remember why you're still here.

First steps...

Here I find myself on a lazy Saturday afternoon after writing comments to another blogger thinking to myself, "why not write your own blog?"...but what the hell to write about? And who's going to read about my humdrum life anyhow? I get up, I go to work, I come home and so the cycle continues...or does it? Is my life really so humdrum?

Life is bloody hard work...and amongst the tedium of everyday tasks my life has been punctuated by it's fair share of ups and downs...the downs having once nearly brought me down permanently...but I'm still here...and the last few years have been the most trying of my adult life...but I'm still here!

And here I find myself on this lazy Saturday living my life, embracing my life, and doing things I was always afraid to do...fear is a funny old thing, you can run and hide from it or you can face it head on...and you know what I've come to realise, facing my fears, however small, has made me feel more alive than I have ever felt.

And so with each small step I take I choose to live my life...